I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
