3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
