ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
