i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
