Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
