sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
