I'm gonna have a badass scar
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
