I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
