four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
