I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
