so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
