Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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