I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
