Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
