i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
