omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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