He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
