I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
