Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I enjoy the company of your penis
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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