Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
