i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
