I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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