you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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