remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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