I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
