Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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