i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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