I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
