the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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