i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
