I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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