I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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