i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
