its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
