never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
