It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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