He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
