i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
