btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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