So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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