what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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