when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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