On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
