they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
