Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
