We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
