I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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