Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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