if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
