u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
