Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
