he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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