I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just want to make out with him forever
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
