You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
