i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
