I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
