help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
