i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
