Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
