Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she pinky promised me she was 18
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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