ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
