turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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