If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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