My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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